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An Open Letter to my Ex-bestfriend

Today, after how many days of anticipating  for your response I have finally figured out, I should stop chasing you. You are not chase worthy and I’m so dumb not to realise that I should stop expecting to hear from a person who stopped being my friend. I doubt if you still consider me as a friend, I know you no longer see me as one, what am I now? Enemy? Someone you oh so wanted to avoid? That’s right  I know, you don’t have to tell me. It shows. I guess I’m really just stupid enough for ever asking, because it’s way too obvious. But I guess I need to hear it loud and clear. And finally you did.
The last message I got from you sums up this way, “I have to stay away from you” and the way I read it you just dropped by to say I am no longer your friend, not alone your bestfriend. Seriously, thank you for saying it over and over, finally it hit me hard- heartbreaking hard.

“I don’t want us to take same major course, what Im planning is to let you enrol ahead that I will choose the major course you won’t choose” –  I just cant help but scoffed when you encouraged me  to shift to your major. I was doing you a favor by choosing a different field of study. No, I’m no way blaming you. I was actually thankful that I did.

“I don’t want us to be in the same room, She’s my classmate and it would be a bore to still have her in the same room, I want to meet new friends” – I was right beside you then when you say those words to our dormitory adviser when you were offered to be in the same room I was assigned. It was real easy for you to make new friends, It shouldnt hurt, but I was an introvert.

“Do you know why I always go to classes a minute later than you are? and everytime you dropped by to my room I’m still taking a shower or doing something and just let you go ahead? It’s because I dont want to go with you.

“I will just avoid those friend you always go with. Though I really like to be with them. But you are always with them, and I don’t like to be friend with your friends”

Okay, I think I should do myself a favor and stop.

It’s so unfair!

Its unfair that three years after we left college you finally responded to my message reminding me of the time I’ve once again have hurt you! Have you once in your life notice I have feelings too? I get hurt too, but I forgive and forget instead of hurting people back. And I regret doing that since how would you ever know if I wouldn’t tell you? So today I’m reminding you. Not to get even, but to let you realise you have hurt me at some point but I chose to forgive and forget without you asking for it. Why is that its so hard for you to forgive?

It really doesn’t sound fair that you leave our friendship behind without hearing me out. Don’t I deserve to have a say on this? Doesnt my opinion matter too? If you want to end our friendship, then let it be a mutual one.

Its unfair because I tried to reach out to you after those long years because I wanted us to be the way we were before. I wanted us to be friends again- it was the exact opposite you wanted.

Its unfair because it is always me who should do things first, its always me who should text you first, its always me who should send you a message first. And all you do is push me away. Just a thought,  what about you? What have you done for me?

It’s unfair because it doesn’t feel right. It never feels right to finally got a message from a friend but you got nothing but 3-long years of grudge. Wow! Just wow!

I know you might not even bother reading this. I am nothing but a spam in your messages.  But I am writing this not for you, but for myself.

I am writing this to finally let go of you, may you find a friend you’ve asked for.

I am writing this to empty my heart from all of the hurtful words you’ve said, from all of those bad memories we had. It doesn’t really make sense to be carrying those baggages up until now. I’m slowly starting to unpack. Yes, of course I’ll keep the good ones.

Im writing this to stop myself from dwelling on the idea that I suck at friendship, that I am worst. I am aware that I have a lot of tendency to make mistakes, I have my own set of flaws and shortcomings. Though Im not saying that a friend should tolerate these. But someday I will find someone who will overlooked at my imperfections because everybody does make mistakes.

Im writing this to finally stop chasing you, stop fixing this friendship. I should learn to accept that there are some things not worth fighting for, specially if the other have already given up. Theres no point holding on, when the other end have let go. I should instead value those that I still have, those who never left and I can keep.

There are some things in the past that needs to be left behind, by writing this, I am taking a step forward, there’s no looking and turning back. Finally, I’m free and moving on!

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Beyond Introversion

I can’t believe I choose to be just at home over going out, eating out with my colleagues. I honestly felt bad at turning off my friend’s invite to go somewhere and eat. Seriously, when did I become this distant to any human being other than my family? I hope intoversion was just some kind of sickness, in that way it can still be treated. Sadly though, it’s not. It will always be part of my personality’s description. It will always be part of me.  So here I am, still stuck in my room and can’t figure out how would I make the best of 5 hours I have before I go make a living. My life was so pathetic! I can live and survive a lifetime without human interaction. I somewhat find peace in solitude, in isolation. There are alot of more exciting things happening in my mind than the real things going on in my life. There are times that I hate spending too much time alone yet I despise being around with so many people. I like to have a lot of friends yet I don’t like it when they take alot of time  on my schedule. I hope I still fall within the borders’ of a normal introvert. I hope I’m still sane.

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Greatest Love

There are two things in this world
that I will never understand.
First is God;
second is
mother’s love.

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And I am ever grateful to God for giving me the best mom a world could offer! ( I know this line right here has been overly used and abused alot but truly, every child thinks they have the best mom in the world- and none of them is wrong! that’s a fact.)

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Oh No!

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I’m honestly indecisive about my stand to that quotation above. Maybe that’s because I have lived my life sorrounded by people doubting my capabilities, questioning my strength and honestly because of that I’m starting to doubt myself too. Those people and those situations that are constantly reminding and haunting me that I am not good enough, below standard and inferior have greatly post negative impact in to my already low self-esteem. Anyhow, maybe that’s the veey reason why people question you anyway, because they don’t really know what you are capable of. And its up to you if you just let their definition of you be your definition of yourself too, or you do your best and work your ass off to prove them wrong. I can’t wait to see the disappointment on their faces!

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My Thoughts on Failing and Making Mistakes

If life is a test of right minus wrong, then undoubtedly we’re all pretty darn screwed! Good thing is that, life is designed in such a way that we are allowed to fail- then learn to get back up.

Here’s a thing I wish I mastered in school ( on top of what school has explicitly taught us: setting goals, burning the midnight candles and pursuing for your dreams and so on…) “I wish I learn not to be afraid to make mistakes.” Should I have known, I could have lived my life a little bolder, I could have taken a little more risks and played with the chances, instead of choosing the safe right answer. The thing about our educational system is that, those students who got the fewest mistakes got the A’s and the otherwise, are being punished.
I love school, (and education and learning) – don’t get me wrong. However, school should prepare us to the battle of real life right? Then making mistakes should equally be as important as knowing the right answer straight ahead. Above all, we should be producing graduates who are never ever afraid to fail and try.

And by the way, this post was supposedly not intended to held school solely accountable for that. Let’s end the blaming game. Knowing this, what are you going to do now?

To my self 5 years ago:

“Thank you for being a dreamer. You have devoted you’re all- your resources, time, talent and skills to prepare me for the future- for my today. As I look back, I cant help but notice, we still share and have something in common today- oh sure, we still have this burst of the moment clumsiness and cant-get-over hard belly laugh over silly and century-old jokes. But aside from that I have kept you inside of me-you’re my inner self. In every decision I make, I would always stop and ask what will my 18year old self do in this situation? Sometimes you know better than me today. And yeah this time, we’ll no longer worry and feel sad about our flaws, mistakes and imperfections. There are no mistakes, just lessons.” (wink)

To myself today,

“Failing should never be your enemy, never trying is.”

Here’s to living life and never being afraid to fail!:)

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#qotd

“All I wanted is to live a life where I could be me, and be okay with that. I have no need for material possessions, money or even close friends with me on my journey. I never understood people very well anyway, and they never seem to understand me very well either. All I wanted was my art and the chance to be the creator of my own world, my own reality. I wanted the open road and new beginnings everyday.”

-Empty Roads and Broken Bottles; in search for the great perhaps by Charlotte Erikson

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Nevermind

Because I never learn, or did I?.:)

Isn’t it odd to think that the person who promise to spend the rest of his life with you, can’t spare just a minute of his time?

Have you ever realise how ironic it felt when you found yourself begging for attention from the man who promised to give you the moon and the stars?

He was supposed to be the person he said he’ll be.
This made me doubt if it was really ‘love’, everytime he says he ‘loves’ me.