Today, after how many days of anticipating for your response I have finally figured out, I should stop chasing you. You are not chase worthy and I’m so dumb not to realise that I should stop expecting to hear from a person who stopped being my friend. I doubt if you still consider me as a friend, I know you no longer see me as one, what am I now? Enemy? Someone you oh so wanted to avoid? That’s right I know, you don’t have to tell me. It shows. I guess I’m really just stupid enough for ever asking, because it’s way too obvious. But I guess I need to hear it loud and clear. And finally you did.
The last message I got from you sums up this way, “I have to stay away from you” and the way I read it you just dropped by to say I am no longer your friend, not alone your bestfriend. Seriously, thank you for saying it over and over, finally it hit me hard- heartbreaking hard.
“I don’t want us to take same major course, what Im planning is to let you enrol ahead that I will choose the major course you won’t choose” – I just cant help but scoffed when you encouraged me to shift to your major. I was doing you a favor by choosing a different field of study. No, I’m no way blaming you. I was actually thankful that I did.
“I don’t want us to be in the same room, She’s my classmate and it would be a bore to still have her in the same room, I want to meet new friends” – I was right beside you then when you say those words to our dormitory adviser when you were offered to be in the same room I was assigned. It was real easy for you to make new friends, It shouldnt hurt, but I was an introvert.
“Do you know why I always go to classes a minute later than you are? and everytime you dropped by to my room I’m still taking a shower or doing something and just let you go ahead? It’s because I dont want to go with you.
“I will just avoid those friend you always go with. Though I really like to be with them. But you are always with them, and I don’t like to be friend with your friends”
Okay, I think I should do myself a favor and stop.
It’s so unfair!
Its unfair that three years after we left college you finally responded to my message reminding me of the time I’ve once again have hurt you! Have you once in your life notice I have feelings too? I get hurt too, but I forgive and forget instead of hurting people back. And I regret doing that since how would you ever know if I wouldn’t tell you? So today I’m reminding you. Not to get even, but to let you realise you have hurt me at some point but I chose to forgive and forget without you asking for it. Why is that its so hard for you to forgive?
It really doesn’t sound fair that you leave our friendship behind without hearing me out. Don’t I deserve to have a say on this? Doesnt my opinion matter too? If you want to end our friendship, then let it be a mutual one.
Its unfair because I tried to reach out to you after those long years because I wanted us to be the way we were before. I wanted us to be friends again- it was the exact opposite you wanted.
Its unfair because it is always me who should do things first, its always me who should text you first, its always me who should send you a message first. And all you do is push me away. Just a thought, what about you? What have you done for me?
It’s unfair because it doesn’t feel right. It never feels right to finally got a message from a friend but you got nothing but 3-long years of grudge. Wow! Just wow!
I know you might not even bother reading this. I am nothing but a spam in your messages. But I am writing this not for you, but for myself.
I am writing this to finally let go of you, may you find a friend you’ve asked for.
I am writing this to empty my heart from all of the hurtful words you’ve said, from all of those bad memories we had. It doesn’t really make sense to be carrying those baggages up until now. I’m slowly starting to unpack. Yes, of course I’ll keep the good ones.
Im writing this to stop myself from dwelling on the idea that I suck at friendship, that I am worst. I am aware that I have a lot of tendency to make mistakes, I have my own set of flaws and shortcomings. Though Im not saying that a friend should tolerate these. But someday I will find someone who will overlooked at my imperfections because everybody does make mistakes.
Im writing this to finally stop chasing you, stop fixing this friendship. I should learn to accept that there are some things not worth fighting for, specially if the other have already given up. Theres no point holding on, when the other end have let go. I should instead value those that I still have, those who never left and I can keep.
There are some things in the past that needs to be left behind, by writing this, I am taking a step forward, there’s no looking and turning back. Finally, I’m free and moving on!